What are the four behaviors that cause 90% of all divorces?
Asked by: Leonor Franecki DDS | Last update: April 25, 2026Score: 4.2/5 (15 votes)
The four behaviors that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy, identified by Dr. John Gottman, are the "Four Horsemen": Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which erode a relationship's foundation of respect and connection, leading to its breakdown. These destructive communication patterns signal a severe lack of care and responsiveness to a partner's feelings, ultimately destroying the bond.
What are the 4 behaviors of divorce?
- Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Criticism, and Contempt: The Signs That Divorce Is On The Way
- Comments
What are the 4 things that lead to divorce?
The “Four Horseman” of Communication Breakdowns
Relationship researcher John Gottman identifies four specific behaviors that often predict divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He calls these the “Four Horsemen” and highlights the significant damage even one of these can inflict on a marriage.
What are the 4 predictors of divorce Gottman?
Psychologist John Gottman developed the concept of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse - 4 traits of a relationship which predict divorce (or break up) of a relationship with 90% accuracy. These 4 elements are Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness.
What are the top 5 predictors of divorce?
So what are the top five predictors of an impending divorce? Infidelity, money issues, lack of communication, constant bickering, and shaming over appearance. Finding a healthy balance between you and your spouse should always be your goal.
4 Behaviors That Cause 90% Of All Divorces
What are the 4 P's of marriage?
The "4 Ps of Marriage" aren't a single, universal concept but refer to different frameworks, most commonly: the faith-based Personal, Private, Public, Permanent (focused on commitment and shared life), or the traditional gender roles often cited as Provider, Protector, Prophet, Priest (focused on a husband's duties). Other interpretations include Priority, Pursuit, Partnership, Purity (focusing on God and teamwork), or Patience, Perseverance, Prayer, Practice** (focused on building the relationship).
What are the 4 A's of divorce?
The "4 A's of Divorce" is a common framework used in counseling and law to describe significant, often "hard," reasons for marital breakdown: Adultery (infidelity), Addiction (substance, gambling, etc.), Abuse (physical, emotional, psychological), and Abandonment (desertion). These issues represent severe breaches of trust or safety, making them major factors in divorce, unlike "soft" reasons like growing apart or poor communication.
What are the 4 marriage killers?
Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
What is the 7 7 7 rule for couples?
The 7-7-7 rule for couples is a relationship guideline suggesting they schedule consistent, quality time together: a date night every 7 days, a weekend getaway every 7 weeks, and a longer, romantic vacation every 7 months, designed to maintain connection, prevent drifting apart, and reduce burnout by fostering regular intentionality and fun. While some find the schedule ambitious or costly, experts agree the principle of regular, dedicated connection is vital, encouraging couples to adapt the frequency to fit their lives.
What is the 3 3 3 rule for marriage?
The "3 3 3 rule" in marriage typically refers to a couple dedicating 3 hours of uninterrupted alone time for each partner weekly, plus 3 hours of focused couple time weekly, aiming to reduce resentment, increase connection, and ensure both personal space and shared intimacy, often broken into smaller segments for flexibility. It's a tactic to create balance and intentional connection, combating the disconnect that often happens with busy lives and children, allowing partners to recharge individually while also nurturing the relationship.
What is the 10 10 10 rule for divorce?
The 10/10 rule in military divorce determines if a former spouse can get direct payments from a military pension; it requires the marriage to have lasted 10 years or more, overlapping with 10 years or more of the service member's creditable military service, allowing Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) https://www.dfas.mil/Garnishment/usfspa/legal/ DFAS to send their share of the pension directly, otherwise the service member pays the ex-spouse directly. This rule, under the Uniformed Services Former Spouses' Protection Act (USFSPA) (USFSPA), doesn't affect eligibility for pension division but dictates how the payment is made, ensuring more reliable payment to the former spouse.
What are the 3 C's of divorce?
The "3 C's of Divorce" usually refer to Communication, Cooperation, and Compromise, emphasizing a less adversarial approach to resolve issues like child custody, asset division, and finances, often focusing on co-parenting effectively for the children's well-being. Another variation uses Communication, Compromise, and Custody, highlighting the key areas needing resolution, especially when kids are involved. The core idea is to move from conflict towards agreement, especially for the sake of children.
What is the #1 cause of divorce?
The number one reason for divorce is consistently cited as lack of commitment, often leading to infidelity, growing apart, and frequent conflict/arguing, with financial problems, poor communication, and addiction also being major factors that erode the foundation of a marriage.
What is the #1 indicator of divorce?
The biggest predictors of divorce are destructive communication patterns known as the "Four Horsemen": Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, with Contempt (mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling) being the most damaging, signaling a fundamental lack of respect. Other major factors include a lack of commitment, disinterest in a partner's bids for connection, and starting conflicts harshly (a "harsh startup").
What are the four habits that destroy marriages?
The four habits that destroy marriages, known as "The Four Horsemen", identified by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which predict divorce by poisoning communication and connection, with contempt being the most damaging, as found by The Gottman Institute.
What are the signs of a failing marriage?
Signs your marriage is in trouble include a breakdown in communication (stonewalling, contempt, constant criticism), growing emotional or physical distance (living like roommates, lack of intimacy, parallel lives), unresolved or escalating conflicts, loss of respect and trust, and thoughts of leaving or infidelity, all indicating a deeper disconnect where partners feel lonely or unappreciated despite being together.
What is the 555 rule in marriage?
The 5-5-5 rule in marriage refers to different communication or connection strategies, primarily a conflict resolution technique where each partner gets 5 minutes to speak uninterrupted, followed by 5 minutes of dialogue, totaling 15 minutes to de-escalate and find solutions. Another variation focuses on daily connection: 5 minutes of talking about the day, 5 minutes on something meaningful, and 5 minutes of physical touch (like hugging), to stay close amidst busy lives. A third involves a mental check during arguments: "Will this matter in 5 minutes? 5 days? 5 years?" to gain perspective.
What is the 2 2 2 2 rule in marriage?
The 2-2-2 rule is a relationship guideline for couples to maintain connection by scheduling intentional time together: a date night every 2 weeks, a weekend away every 2 months, and a week-long vacation every 2 years, helping to prioritize the relationship amidst daily stresses and routines. It's a framework for regular quality time, communication, and fun, originating from a Reddit post and gaining traction for preventing couples from drifting apart by focusing on consistent connection.
What age gap is too big?
There's no single "too big" age gap, as it's subjective, but generally, a 10-year difference or more often signals potential challenges due to differing life stages, goals, or cultural references, while smaller gaps (under 8 years) are less noticeable, with some using the "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule as a loose guide, though this has limitations, especially for older adults. Ultimately, compatibility, shared values, and communication about different life stages (family, career, health) matter more than the number itself.
At what point is a marriage not salvageable?
A marriage is often unsalvageable when there's persistent abuse (physical, emotional, financial), a complete breakdown in trust (like unresolved infidelity), one or both partners stop trying, there's consistent contempt/disrespect, or fundamental life goals diverge, making it feel like living parallel, unhappy lives rather than a partnership. Key indicators include constant negativity, emotional disconnection, lack of intimacy, feeling more like roommates, and a lack of desire to repair issues, even after counseling.
What are the 4 toxic relationship habits?
The four most toxic relationship behaviors, known as "The Four Horsemen" from Dr. John Gottman's research, are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which predict relationship failure by eroding connection through destructive communication patterns. Criticism attacks character, Contempt expresses disgust and superiority (like eye-rolling), Defensiveness deflects blame, and Stonewalling shuts down communication.
What is stonewalling in a marriage?
Stonewalling is a communication behavior characterized by shutting down, withdrawing, and emotionally disengaging from a conversation or interaction with a partner. It often involves one partner giving the silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, or displaying a lack of responsiveness.
What not to do during separation?
When separated, you should not make impulsive emotional decisions, badmouth your spouse (especially to kids or online), use children as messengers, hide assets, rack up debt, make big financial moves, or move out without an agreement, as these actions escalate conflict and can harm your legal and financial standing. Focus on maintaining the status quo, communicating civilly, and seeking legal advice rather than acting out of anger or spite, say family law professionals and Jennings Family Law.
Does God forgive adultery and accept the new relationship?
Yes, Christian belief holds that God offers forgiveness for adultery through genuine repentance, which involves confessing the sin, feeling remorse, renouncing it, and seeking God's help to change, but whether a new relationship is "accepted" depends on specific interpretations of scripture, often focusing on the circumstances of the divorce and the potential for the new marriage to be a genuine, godly union, with forgiveness and restoration being key themes.
What is a soft divorce?
Easing Into Divorce
Instead of a sudden split, some couples ease themselves and their family into divorce with slow changes. This is also known as a “soft landing.” In this type of situation, the parents will live close together, and continue to have family dinners, vacations, and holidays together.