What is spousal contempt?

Asked by: Dr. Vincenzo Kuhn  |  Last update: February 17, 2026
Score: 4.9/5 (45 votes)

Spousal contempt, a key concept from relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, is a corrosive pattern of disrespect, disgust, and moral superiority where one partner views the other as inferior, leading to sneering, eye-rolling, name-calling, and sarcasm, signaling a deep lack of admiration and trust that significantly predicts divorce. It goes beyond mere criticism by attacking the partner's very character, stemming from unresolved negativity and resentment, and is considered the deadliest of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship failure.

What are examples of contempt in marriage?

What are ways contempt shows up in relationships? Eye-rolling, name calling, belittling your spouse, thinking ``your way'' is always best, and being hostile toward your spouse emotionally and verbally are some examples of Contempt. Out of the four primary 'marriage killers' marriage researcher Dr.

Why would a husband have contempt for his wife?

Contempt comes from a place of superiority and makes the other feel inferior. Deep down, it stems from a sense of feeling unappreciated and unacknowledged in the relationship. It can take the form of verbal or non-verbal language, which can include sarcasm, mockery, and facial gestures.

What are the three A's that ruin marriages?

Therapists would love for every marriage to be able to be saved, but that just simply isn't realistic. Every marriage therapist knows when a couple comes into their office and are dealing with one of what we call, The Three A's … Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction, we're in for a very bumpy ride.

How do I know if I have contempt for my wife?

Here are 7 warning signs that you show contempt for your wife.

  • Interrupting her. ...
  • Correcting her. ...
  • Criticizing her. ...
  • Finishing her sentences. ...
  • Making fun of her. ...
  • Communicating non-verbal negatives. ...
  • Redoing what she has done.

The Secret Tactics of Emotional Manipulators

20 related questions found

What is the 2 2 2 rule for wife?

The 2-2-2 rule for a wife (or any partner) is a relationship guideline to keep the connection strong by scheduling regular, dedicated time together: every 2 weeks go on a date night, every 2 months take a weekend getaway, and every 2 years go on a week-long vacation, preventing couples from growing apart amidst daily life's busyness. It's a framework to prioritize intentional connection, communication, and fun without the pressure of grand gestures. 

What is the #1 indicator of divorce?

The biggest predictor of divorce, according to relationship research by Dr. John Gottman, is contempt, which involves treating your partner with disrespect, mockery, or superiority (eye-rolling, name-calling). Other key predictors, known as the "Four Horsemen," include criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (withdrawing), with contempt being the most destructive as it signals a complete lack of respect and invalidates the partner. Decreased emotional responsiveness and affection, especially in the early years, also significantly predict marital failure.
 

What is the 7 7 7 rule in marriage?

The 777 rule for marriage is a relationship strategy to keep romance alive by scheduling consistent quality time: a date every 7 days, a night away every 7 weeks, and a longer holiday every 7 months, ensuring regular reconnection and preventing drifting apart through intentional presence and fun. It's a framework for prioritizing the partnership amidst daily routines, fostering stronger communication, intimacy, and fun.
 

What is unforgivable in marriage?

Unforgivable actions in marriage often center on deep betrayals that shatter trust and safety, with infidelity (emotional or physical), abuse (physical, emotional, financial), and severe addiction topping the list, alongside persistent lying, criminal acts, or a total disregard for the partner or family's well-being. While some faiths emphasize universal forgiveness, many individuals find these actions create irreparable fractures, making it impossible to rebuild the marriage foundation, leading to separation. 

What are the 4 marriage killers?

Gottman studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades and found four attitudes that most predict the dissolution of a relationship, especially in combination. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling — the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

What are the first signs a marriage is ending?

The first signs a marriage is ending often involve a breakdown in communication, where partners stop sharing feelings and conversations become minimal or hostile, alongside emotional and physical withdrawal, with one or both living separate lives, feeling like roommates, and a loss of intimacy or respect. Other key indicators include persistent contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling (the Four Horsemen), growing resentment, prioritizing separate activities, and feeling emotionally disconnected or unsafe, making home feel like a place of dread rather than security.
 

What emotion is behind contempt?

Contempt is an emotion that is in the same family as anger and disgust. Unlike anger and disgust, emotion researcher Paul Ekman finds that contempt gives us a feeling of power or status. Unfortunately for relationships of all kinds, feeling contempt contributes to feeling superior to others.

What are the four behaviors that cause 90% of all divorces?

The four behaviors that predict divorce with over 90% certainty, known as the "Four Horsemen," are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, identified by relationship researcher John Gottman; these toxic communication patterns erode a marriage by destroying trust and connection, with contempt being the most damaging. 

What is the root cause of contempt?

The basic notion of contempt is: “I'm better than you and you are lesser than me.” The most common trigger for this emotion is immoral action by a person or group of people to whom you feel superior.

What is the 3 6 9 rule in relationships?

The 3-6-9 rule is a relationship guideline suggesting three stages in the first year: the first 3 months are the "honeymoon" phase (infatuation); months 3-6 involve growing conflict as flaws appear; and months 6-9 are the "decision-making" stage where couples face real issues, with successful navigation leading to stability, while also advising to delay major commitments like sex or moving in until at least 3, 6, or 9 months to let love chemicals settle and see the real person.
 

What are 5 warning signs of an unhealthy relationship?

Five major warning signs of an unhealthy relationship include controlling behavior (isolating you from others), poor communication (walking on eggshells, constant blame), lack of support (belittling your goals), disrespect and gaslighting (denying your reality), and a cycle of abuse (emotional, verbal, or physical) with no real change after apologies. Healthy relationships expand your world and build you up, while unhealthy ones shrink your world and make you feel unsafe or inferior.
 

What is the 3 3 3 rule for marriage?

The "3 3 3 rule" in marriage typically refers to a couple dedicating 3 hours of uninterrupted alone time for each partner weekly, plus 3 hours of focused couple time weekly, aiming to reduce resentment, increase connection, and ensure both personal space and shared intimacy, often broken into smaller segments for flexibility. It's a tactic to create balance and intentional connection, combating the disconnect that often happens with busy lives and children, allowing partners to recharge individually while also nurturing the relationship. 

What is the misery stage of marriage?

The "misery stage" in marriage, often following disillusionment, is a deeply unhappy phase where couples feel trapped, resentful, and hopeless, characterized by intense conflict, emotional distance, detachment, and sometimes affairs or substance abuse, leading many to consider separation or divorce as the only way to end the pain. It's a critical point where a marriage can break down, marked by a loss of connection and the feeling that love has vanished, despite being salvageable with professional help.
 

What is the 2 2 2 2 rule in marriage?

The 2-2-2 rule is a relationship guideline for couples to maintain connection by scheduling intentional time together: a date night every 2 weeks, a weekend away every 2 months, and a week-long vacation every 2 years, helping to prioritize the relationship amidst daily stresses and routines. It's a framework for regular quality time, communication, and fun, originating from a Reddit post and gaining traction for preventing couples from drifting apart by focusing on consistent connection. 

What are the four golden rules of marriage?

Follow the four golden rules – don't lie, keep your promises, argue productively and always play nice – and your relationship will never go anywhere but forward.

How to make love unforgettable?

10 ways to make your love unforgettable

  1. Take your partner's breath away. ...
  2. Do something special on a regular basis. ...
  3. Frequent, loving eye contact (some culture call it eye gazing) is an especially powerful connection tool for bonding. ...
  4. Learn what pleases your partner sexually. ...
  5. Teach your partner what you like.

What are the 3 C's of divorce?

The "3 Cs of Divorce" generally refer to Communication, Cooperation, and Compromise, principles that help divorcing couples, especially those with children, navigate the process more smoothly by focusing on respectful dialogue, working together for shared goals (like children's welfare), and making concessions for equitable outcomes, reducing conflict and costs. Some variations substitute Custody or Civility for one of the Cs, emphasizing child-focused decisions or maintaining politeness.
 

Who initiates 90% of divorces?

Women initiate a significant majority of divorces, around 70%, with this figure rising to nearly 90% for college-educated women, according to studies like one from the American Sociological Association. This trend highlights women's greater dissatisfaction with marital dynamics, often stemming from taking on more emotional labor and feeling a lack of connection or fulfillment, leading them to be the ones to file for divorce, notes The Whitley Law Firm and Barnes & Diehl, P.C.. 

What is the 10-10-10 rule for divorce?

The "10/10 Rule" in military divorce determines if a former spouse receives direct payments from the military pension, requiring at least 10 years of marriage that overlap with 10 years of the service member's creditable military service. If this rule is met, the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) sends the court-ordered portion directly to the ex-spouse; if not, the service member pays the ex-spouse directly, though the court can still award a share of the pension. This rule affects how payments are made, not the eligibility for pension division itself, which is decided by state law.